so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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