I just threw up on my dentist
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
