it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
