I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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