I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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