She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
