I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
