when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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