He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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