I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
