so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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