Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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