I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
