I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
