then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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