I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.