they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
