So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?