Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
