I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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