I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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