that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
sex in a hospital.. check
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
