there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
