Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
