I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
