Whatcha textin bout Willis?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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