dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
