Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I met the friendliest cop last night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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