just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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