I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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