Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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