i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
