I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
