It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
