nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
