Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
