I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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