The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
