he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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