I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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