im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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