mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
