According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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