be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
