Why does Corona taste like a burp?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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