Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
