I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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