We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
