if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
