This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
