I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
