every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
