I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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