I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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