sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
