There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
