Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Green mimosas i think yes
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
