My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
