Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
