Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You ruined the universe
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
