I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
