and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
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I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.