dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair