you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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