Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.